SASSY IS ME

2007-06-16T01:51:00.000+08:00

This piece of message, written on behalf of Anna otherwise also known as Suhana. In this very last entry of hers, she would like to thank people who had visited this page. Irregardless whether they, who just can't find something better to do than know whats been happening in her life or just because they care..Nevertheless, it means quite something to her. She has always loved writing but the time has come for her to be inspired and concentrate on greater things. She will leave it to you people to wonder the changes in her life. Be it good or bad, she'll strive hard for the best.

So... remember her in the many ways she has made you smile, laugh or cry. But most importantly to smile...cuz that very small effort to smile could turn into something bigger, something stronger... something that are beyond words can describe.

The End

2007-06-12T21:32:00.000+08:00

My class was cancelled.. and I spent tonight watching The Notebook when I should be studying. I love the movie.. but for now.. this is the song i've been listening to the whole night.

Leaving On a Jetplane

2007-06-12T00:23:00.000+08:00

Today's post will be for someone who has been in and out of my life... who will forget the mysterious guy by the name of Tobias Samuel Slater... otherwise also known as TSS.

Truthfully past few weeks I was not well... and I was also unhappy about certain things going on in my life, as if you already didn't know it. I don't want to sound like I'm puting in good words for Tobi.. after all that he had done in the past. His never-ending mind games which always left me confused. There's always some good in the people who are sometimes mean to you. I believe in that except for those who don't deserve any kindnesss from others at all..they should just be condemned.

He succeeded in making me smile... and maybe he'll be the reason i'll keep smiling...

Nevertheless, thank you for being there for me... :)

2007-06-09T16:03:00.000+08:00

Its been a week now since I started on my new job. Things are manageable for now...just that I find my PM is a very reserved person. Everyone is nice and friendly so I have no complaints on that part. Only thing I have to make sure is to learn something useful at the end of my contract.

Projects for this semester will due in two weeks time before sitting for 2 exams in August. July will be a very occupied period for me to prepare for the exams. I can't wait to graduate with the diploma. Something to look forward to at the end of the year. It has been such a lonely and tiring proess of getting to the mark, of getting the diploma. The lonely train rides at night...after each class...it sucks!

I've nothing else to make me feel attached to now... I have lost it(R) forever. He's with her and she is with him. I'm trying to put the past behind.. but how... it was his smile that attracted me to him with but it was his love and patience in the relationship that made me loved him more. Do I still stand a second chance..? *shrugs*

2007-06-03T19:59:00.000+08:00

Somebody once wrote to me the message you see below. And only now I came across it..in time when I needed it the most. I see it as something which could give me strength and hope to move on. Even a strong-headed person falls sometimes... how strong she can be, she still couldn't say she didn' cry over it.

Sometimes, in our relentless efforts to find the person we Love we fail to recognize & appreciate
the people who Love us. We miss out on so many beautiful things & simply because we allow ourselves to been slaved by our own selfish concerns.

Go for the man of deeds & not for the man of words for you will find rewarding happiness not with the man you Love but the man who Loves you more. The best Lovers are those who are capable of Loving from a distance, far enough to allow the other person to grow, but never too far to feel the Love deep within your being.

To let go of someone doesn't mean you have to stop Loving, it only means that you allow that
person to find his own happiness without expecting him to come back.
Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but it is also setting yourself free from all
bitterness, hatred, & anger that keep in your heart. Do not let the bitterness rare away your strength & weaken your faith & never allow pain to dishearten you, but rather let you grow with wisdom in bearing it.

You may found peace in just Loving someone from a distance not expecting anything in return.
But be careful, for this can sustain life but can never give enough room for us to grow.
We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past but real peace & happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today.

There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone so nice & beautiful and we just find ourselves getting so intensely attracted to that person.
This feeling soon become a part of our everyday lives & eventually consumes our thoughts & actions. The sad part of it is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than just a friendship.

We start our desperate attempt to get noticed & be closer but in the end our efforts are still unrewarded & we end up being sorry for ourselves.
You don't have to forget someone you Love.
What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for
yourself.

Believe me; you would be better off giving that dedication & Love to someone more deserving.
Don't let your heart run your life, be sensible & let your mind speak for itself.
Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well.

Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow:
If you lose Love that doesn't mean that you failed in LoVe.
Cry, if you have to, but make it sure that the tears wash away the hurt & the bitterness that the past has left with you.
Let go of yesterday & Love will find its way back to you & when it does, pray that it may be the Love that will stay & last a lifetime.

Sigh!
I am still learning...
Life is Beautiful…
Take care & GOD Bless...
Just me,
aLi

2007-05-20T18:57:00.000+08:00

I am missing my grandma at this moment... Memories of her lying sick in the house, her laughter, her tears are still vivid in my mind. That morning when she gave her last breath... I wasn't there by her side. I held her lifeless hands, kissed it and thoughts of missing her just hurts me. Something I regret most for not being there for her at the very last minute of her life... The night before she went, I was more occupied being with Radin on his birthday. Thinking back, I really should have been there for her... There are so many things in this life I wished I had done things differently. But to err is human. However, a person should not give any room for repeated mistakes..You can never return to your past and make things right.

Nowadays I feel like I'm at war with myself... never satisfied, not at peace. Alot of hatred and anguish for people who hurt me. Mum said I should learn to forgive and let go, which I am not capable of. I have to stay strong inside but not stubborn, she said. She is very right about it... Even having a partner would not help to relieve this agony inside... I truly need to find my way back to God.

Minutes of pleasure can be a lifetime of sufferings.
Today you may have everything...
But tomorrow you won't know what you'll be losing..
Maybe love, family or happiness...
Treasure them or you'll regret forever.

2007-05-17T20:10:00.000+08:00

Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Daily stars for today 17 May 2007

By the week’s close you’re going to have to make some difficult decisions about your way or living or working. These mean giving up something you worked hard to have or achieve. However, times have changed and so have you, enough that what was once so important to you may no longer be of such significance

Visit http://www.shelleyvonstrunckel.com/ for your own horoscope!

*************************************************************************************
As the weekend is approaching, I'll be preparing for some critical changes in my working life. It has not been easy to make this decision. Some of the things are because both are offering me the same role in Management support and pay wise is not so significant from my current one. When I told my HR that I do not want the contract extension, I felt like I had disappoint my boss. They have treated me well so far but I don't see myself growing anymore in the job. My conscience is clear that I am not moving because of the money;I would like to get the experience working for other MNC. There are still uncertainties whether I'll be able to adapt to the new culture, the management and how to be assertive in my job. Those are my biggest worry... Can people take the fierce side of me if I need to? (Only my ex's have seen that and know very well I can be demanding!)

This whole process has made me learn more about myself. I am always considering for other people feelings before my own. I worry too much like what would happen to this workload when I'm gone? Who is going to take over? My collegues just said to me, "Don't burden yourself with these endless worries.. They can always find someone for the job." I hope so...

Oh what a stressful week it has been!
Lucky there is an eyecandy... Yoav...

2007-05-11T21:15:00.000+08:00

Spidey kissed the girl he rescued the same way, the same style, upside down. The way he had his first kiss with Mary Janes...Obviously that would hurt Mary Janes. Dumb!

And you, who drew that art for her... didn't you even spared a thought for me? Exactly the same thing you drew for me even, the pen, the hand and signed off by you with the cap.. wasn't that supposed to be ours? It can only mean one thing to me... you have definitely fell for her.

That dream was acutally about you...

2007-04-23T21:10:00.000+08:00

I've been taking alot of pictures on nature, mainly the skies...

Just so fascinated by the beauty of the clear blue skies... maybe I should really just have a go in the airlines career. But really... no guts to go through the rigorous rounds of interviews.

When the night falls, I wished for a man by my side...

2007-04-20T20:39:00.000+08:00

This is a back-dated post. But better late than never. Thats my girlfriend up there with me, Fici and me celebrated our first anniversary *wink*. Instead of the usual dating place for Mee Soto at Bugis, we headed down to Clarke Quay for dinner at The Satay House and dessert at Haagen Daz last Saturday.

Frankly speaking, the dinner was not that great. For a plate of mutton steak stir fried with potato and a plate of fried rice which was not tasteful, they cost $21+. I guess we have paid more for the ambience. I would rather, at anytime, settle for a decent place with GOOD food.

That night, Fici totally tire me out. We walked from Clarke quay to City Hall. But it was good cause now I know a lot more places for pubbing.

Looking forward to another happening Saturday tomorrow. We'll see!

An revised update on my to-do list.

1) New job with better pay and job satisfaction - ACHIEVED!

2) BF - NOT YET!

3) Travel - NOT YET!

One is a good start...keep going Suhana ;)

2007-04-14T14:40:00.000+08:00

Finally my exams are over now... I've been up to my neck lately busy with work, studies and personal life. The tension has forced me to make visits to the doctor a few times due to tension headaches. I guess I am not coping very well with juggling studies and work. It does not help that I couldn't get as much leave as I would like, to focus on my revision for the exams.

Things that are on top of my list:

1) New job, with higher pay and better job satisfaction

2) Reorganise my criteria for the 'man of my choice'

3) To travel ( I deserve a break, man! ) to recharge, refresh and rejuvenate.

That will be it for now.

2007-03-19T01:43:00.000+08:00

16 April is a special day. But 17 April is a day not to be forgotten, ever.

Today marks the end of sufferings for my grandma. For 2 years and 3 months she has battled against stomach cancer. Endured and persevered the physical torture until her very last breath. Tears streaked down her sullen cheeks as she gasped for air. She went off quietly when some of us were still lost in our dreams. It is almost unbelievable that she is gone forever now. She is the woman besides my mum, whom I feel comfortable with pouring out my woes and share my joys with. She is, in short, the best grandmother anyone could have. I have always admire the way she and my grandfather showed their love to each other. How I wished my mum is loved the same way her mother had been loved.

From the soil we are made of..to the soil we return...I gently sprinkled fragrant flowers around her head... kissed her for the very last time, as usual, right cheeks, left cheeks, and the forehead. The same way I like to be kissed. I will always keep her in my prayers and that her soul is grouped with those who are blessed. But something else that kinda moved me during my sadness was the willingness of an ex to be there for her the very last time. to kiss her, to perform prayers for her, even though it is not his best practices. That effort itself speaks volume for me. Thanks dear.

2007-03-18T01:23:00.000+08:00

2007-02-25T17:09:00.000+08:00

Would you pay $21 for eye design and trimming? Well I did. It definitely was not worth it at all.
Me and cuzzin Iqa were not very pleased with the service. I guess any other place can offer the advice that was given to us and would not cost $21. So for readers out there, think twice before you step into Erabelle for eyebrow trimming. But if you wish to try it out, be my guest. You feel wasted!

Erabelle, the first and the last time!

2007-02-09T21:09:00.000+08:00

He should have been here today. Its hard not to feel upset but I know I'll get over it soon. While men can forget matters easily, why can't women do the same?

I always look forward to the weekend. I really miss my bed. This weekend I shall sleep more, eat more, smile more and be able to love freely more. Forget about the troubles for once and enjoy the moment. Thats how we should live our life isn't it? Lief is too short to just sit around being sad. For once, I'm gonna really smile... at u..whoever you are.

2007-02-07T20:14:00.000+08:00

Two weeks away feels like the whole world should have changed,
But I'm home now, and things still look the same.
I think I'll leave it 'til tomorrow to unpack,
Try to forget for one more night that I'm back in my flat.
On the road
where the cars never stop going through the night
To a life where I can't watch the sun set.
I don't have time, don't have time.

I've still got sand in my shoes,
And I can't shake the thought of you.
I should get on, forget you.
But why would I want to?
I know we said goodbye,
Anything else would have been confused.
But I want to see you again.

Tomorrow's back to work and down to sanity,
Should run a bath and then clear up the mess i made before i left here.
Try to remind myself that i was happy here,
Before I knew that I could get on a plane and fly away,
From the road where the cars never stop going through the night,
To a life where I can watch the sun set,
And take my time. Take all our time.

Two weeks away, All it takes,
To change and turn me around,
I've fallen.
I walked away,
And never said,
That I wanted to see you,
Again.

People around me, especially my collegues, said its not my loss that he went away. Its my good luck hes gone. They said " tell him to fly kite, cuz girl, you deserve more! " I believe I do!

2007-02-03T17:32:00.000+08:00

So I was right that happiness is oftenly short-lived. Nothing is permanent in this world. One day you feel like you are on top of the world, the next you you feel like the begger on the streets. What I'm trying to say here is that the happiness that I found 2 months ago did not last. The virtual romance after months of being single, was just too big a dream to make it happen.

About ten days before meeting up, rejoicing the day where love means no distance, age or race, everything just crumbles. Long distance relationship is not an easy one. Its already difficult to maintain a relationship with someone near you, there is no question about being in love with someone that is far apart. And the fights... it happens every now and then. But he looked at it in more negative way than positive. I made the decision for us to part because that was what he needed. Moreover, he has yet to accomplish anything in his life and love could wait. I had wanted to be one to stand by him but after a long thought about what he said of my needs in a man, I guess he is right. An established man, with a career, someone with money and love to share with. He wasn't near there at all... I can only hope the best for him.

I failed to guard my heart but I still believe it could have work out if you and me did not always feel like giving up too easily.

2007-01-30T17:55:00.000+08:00

The End

sore.void.sullen.
separated. for good.
hopes dashed.
plans called off.
two strangers. in love.
two different places.
two cultures and races.
only one dream.
be together.

shattered dreams
broken promises
left with the memories.
the light. once so bright.
its now dim.

2007-01-28T19:53:00.000+08:00

The days are going by so fast. When she first came over to my parents' house, my grandma was still able to sit on the sofa, watching tv, talk, laugh and clean herself, of course, all with my mum's help. But now she can only lie on the bed and sometimes use the machine that release the oxygen to help her with her breathing problems. I can barely understand what she is trying to say at times and that she's so frail and fragile. It makes me scared to want to come too close to her cuz she is easily agitated nowadays.

Every weekend there will be visitors and today, this bunch of visitors totally get me on my nerves. Maybe they came to the wrong house. My house, we are not having a party and yet they brought alot of food and expect food to be prepared and served. I was very pissed when they say I don't help much around in the kitchen. If you have come here to visit a sick person, you don't make a mess in other people kitchen, do you? I guess my mum will get burnt out from exhaustion one day, having to tend not only to a sick person but also the unreasonable relatives.
Maybe the girls in my family are not a favourite. I don't give a damn about it. I just think they should give my mum a break from all this cooking and entertaining. We are not running a restaurant or an entertainment centre!

That aside, I just want to leave a piece of message for Tobi.

tobi sent 1/20/2007 11:52 PM:
anna.. i'm juz wana b of some advice
tobi sent 1/20/2007 11:52 PM:
i know i may not b the prince charming who would rescue u
tobi sent 1/20/2007 11:53 PM:
i wish i could... but its all too late

I'm not a damsel in distress. Yes I wished you would have done something to prove ur sincerity in our friendship. But talk is cheap, its too late.. Lets just be happy for me, for the happiness I've found. Whatever happens, good or bad, I'll rescue myself.

And also today, I got another post mail from him! Anything from him means alot... so looking forward to THE day!

2007-01-20T17:34:00.000+08:00

LOVE is about making SACRIFICES.

I never thought I would have to come to this crossroad once too many times. To make a decision despite the heavy heart, despite the unwillingness. People say its naive to love someone whom you've never met. But the feeings were so strong that we were so willing to do anything just in hope to be together with each other. We have had good days and bad days together. So bad a fight on the phone, that our relationship seems so real like any other REAL couple. And good days, so sweet, that I would want it to last forever...

The day is drawing near to the FIRST meet up but...

The bombshell has dropped and I know that I will have to lose him because we are different. Different faith. A non-believer who will not convert to any religion, will we last? Although I'm not a pious Muslim girl, my faith in HIM is attached to my soul. I feel so stuck... one is my god, the other is him.

God, I believe you led me to him... Now show us the way to be together.

2006-12-17T17:50:00.000+08:00

Didn't think that time would pass by so fast. The year end is approaching and soon its 2007. There has been a lot of changes and decisions-making this year. Some decisions were painful and some pleasant as it is for future developments. Alot of famous celebrity couple split up, divorce this year...not forgetting N-Belle and R-man. But I believe in fate and destiny... if we end up together someday, he's sure to be my DESTINEE...

But I'm happy to have found my new form of happiness. Although I'm not about to reveal exactly what it is.. let time takes its own course and let it be my secret for now. The existance has certainly given me a new chance for a new beginning.

2006-11-13T20:54:00.000+08:00

Whats New???

I am not sure whether this is going to be for long or its gonna be short-lived. I feel very determined nowadays that dating between two people should only happen if there is a clear purpose and sense of direction in it. Many time relationships failed bacause couple are being pushed into a relationship only by their intense feeling of love for one another. But overtime, as you see each other true colours, feelings fade gradually. I'm not ready for a marriage, I shall then wait on romance.

If the man is right one for me, he will come my way... For now, I'm happy with what I've got.

2006-09-29T20:49:00.000+08:00

Sagittarius

Daily stars for today 29 September 2006

You think of yourself as a realist. But you're a remarkable capacity for ignoring facts that either you don't want to face or wish weren't true. Not only are you doing this now, if you continue to trust one particular individual, you could find that they've manoeuvred you into taking the responsibility for their misdeeds.

*************************************************************************************

It is true, it is just so hard to forget someone who has touched your life... He made me sane when I was still going through the heartache of a breakup. But,
I have decided to walk out of the friendship with DM. I realised that every insensitive things he did, I forgave him so easily. But that won't work with me in the long run.I wouldnt be so forgiving if it was someone else. Set my rules and there's no way bending them.

I read somewhere that women must learn to be a lil selfish. To be a lil selfish, in anything, may not be a bad thing afterall.

2006-09-14T20:55:00.000+08:00

Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Daily stars for today 14 September 2006

There are few things that truly upset you, but one is those who try to make up your mind for you, which is exactly what’s happening. They may have your best interests at heart. The problem is that as good as their intentions may be, they’re showing them in far too heavy-handed a manner.

This was taken from Shelley Von...

I could hide this fact but ah! whats the point of blogging if not for releasing your frustrations, your thoughts, your joy and pain...

1)The ex is on the lookout for a new life with a new gf, someone to kiss, someone to hug, someone to love all his life. Hope he gets what he is looking for..- the Beautiful One inside...

2)The Tobi is gone...MIA, AWOL ... I can't think of any excuse for him to console this mind/heart of mine.

3)Went to Rouge with the girls. It was pretty much like a bar. Quite funny..as we were dancing to the rnb and hip hop beats, Michael Jackso's Black or White was played. Live band was great tho. Good, clean fun!

4)At work, tasked to go to a new team. Doing training manuals and gathering training evaluation and surveys. Something new to look forward to... heh more $. So hopeful of me...

5)I can't believe I always get too close to someone who is attached... wasted my time. And most of them are Aries.

2006-09-03T17:16:00.000+08:00

Let It Go

It always make me wonder how happiness most oftenly than not, is shortlived. The people who brings me joy to my life, don't stay around for too long. But they will always remain etched in my memory. How irony it is, the people who cares most are normally the least priority in our life. The one who hurt us time and again, will be the one we chase for endlessly. Such is the game of love? It doesn't have to be.

It sets me thinking deep into my own thoughts and do some reflection on myself. Is it me or it is just you? Is it too much to ask for some kindness? Perhaps it is diffucult for someone has no sense of touch. Are you just protecting yourself from being hurt? But do you ever spare a thought for those who carries you inside their heart, their mind, wherever you'll be? Then again, you wouldn't feel or even care ey?
Selfish. Have a heart will u?

The most hardest thing is to go against your will; what your heart doesn't permit.
And when decisions like that is taken, there is no looking back anymore, however regretful I may feel.

Can you see now..I'm walking away...

2006-09-02T23:36:00.000+08:00

Lovely day with the LOVELY cuzzie Tiqa

Mamasita(Cousin, Tiqa) met the Mamamia (ME) after weeks of not meeting! When these two meet, the day will never be an ordinary one.

Usual meeting point, the basketball court. Today is the first time, I saw policemen in action. Ambushed a bangla (indian man). And that bangla was relenting instead he had that expression like "Oh you caught me already..." and smiled away. I find it funny tho as if they were playing police and thief. Hahah.

1)Choking Incident!

Head down to Bugis, fulfilled my craving for the ever spicy and hot mee soto. Heaven.. Mamasita was suprised with my appetite. She said I ate alot and still complain of being hungry after just 2 hours. Its good, I dun care or afraid of putting on weight. Cuz even if I do, only my boobs will grow bigger and my cheeks will go fuller! Mamasita got choked by ice cubes when she was excited in explaining something. Phew lucky its just ice cubes! Mamamia was so panic and her face looked as if she also got choked. How dumb that is! hehehe.

2)Model-Wannabe in Photobooth!

Adding up to our neoprint collection, we chose a photo-booth with a horizontal pole. So after inserting the coins and choosing our picture preferences, I was all ready hanging on the pole trying for a sexy pose! Suddenly the curtain backdrop rolled down before me and there goes my excitement...I heard Mamasita laughing hard at me behind the curtain that seperated us. Tsk! Potong steam! Before I can even stop laughing and face the camera, it went 3-2-1.. *gRRR*

3)The Confident Shopper!

Mamamia and Mamasita planning to go somewhere the coming weekend. All excited and hopefully it does not get postphone again! So we were shopping for come clothes and Mamasita was thinking of buying something. Search thru her bag... and hihihi she forgot to bring her wallet and ATM card. It spoils everything... the mood to shop. Alot of things to buy, books, fabric etc but guess have to go down Bugis another day!

4)The Closure

The two girls felt hungry on the way home. Made an unplanned stop near the Cassuarina Prata place. Hmmm yummy, even more yummy cuz its all on her balance of the $10 in her bag. Thanks Mamasita! Thanks for the manicure!! And thanks for being the bodyguard when the apeks and nyonyas, the guys and girls, had their eyes on ma boobies!!!

Luv ya!

2006-09-02T12:31:00.000+08:00

How can I not love you
...

Music video from korean drama, 'My name is Kim Sam Soon'.

Totally digs this drama. Been staying up late to watch episode by episode. And the guy is such a cutie! Another drama in which the girl is quite a bully. But however tough she is, a girl being a girl, she will normally show her soft side at last.

2006-08-31T22:25:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday!

POST DELETED

2006-08-30T22:51:00.000+08:00

How is this for a change??? No Kiera, never mind. As long as there is Suhana, she will work things out her way. ;)

I'm loving it for now. Notice carefully, I editted the above illustration. Made it looked like she has a cleavage and because the pic was cropped, I have to extend her black bra.

Good job for a blogger idiot like me! Dun ya think so? ;)

Party on Fri nite. Thursday nite will be a mad rush. Perhaps get nails done, eyebrow shaped and a lil sexy outfit.

To my girls: Relax ok babe! Sabar menanti malam muda-mudi! *yikes* sound so minah!

2006-08-29T13:26:00.000+08:00

Annoy

1. To cause slight irritation to (another) by troublesome, often repeated acts.
2. To harass or disturb by repeated attacks.

Which is annoying to you? Tossing and turning or snoring? If I had to pick one out, it would be snoring. It only takes a cuddle or a hug to stop someone in bed from turning or tossing. And I really had alot in mind that night. But people who snore, they really need to seek medical advice from doctor cuz it happens almost everyday. And that is irritating!

And I really haven't been annoying, did I? "Are you goin to annoy me for the next 2 hours? I need to sleep." he said sternly. I had mixed feelings whether to continue sleeping or to leave at that moment itself. I chose the latter. Packed up my bags, he called the cab and off I left in the dawn. Didn't turn to look at him when he sent me off.

I was more than annoyed, fuming mad. The taxi driver went by a new route and I was really suspicious of where he was taking me to an ulu road. Perhaps it was a shortcut. Luckily it was...I would have imagined the worse.

What a night and what a way to being the day.

2006-08-27T16:07:00.000+08:00

An Arabian Night

Yesterday, the ex-collegues and some others joined for a dinner and chilled out at Samar, an Arabian hang-out place. The usual sights of people lazing in the cozy corners and smoking sheeshas, excite those who had never been there. It was the second visit for me. The eight of us ordered two sheeshas with rose and apple essence and some drinks. One thing though about Arabian hang-outs, they are very slow at servicing; poor customer service. So be prepared to at least wait for half an hour or so to get your drinks served!

My closest company at work, Fici, like always, took stupid but very funny poses with the two sheeshas pipe. Putting both near to her mouth and of course the guys had dirty thoughts of it. The beat of the music managed to make my body swayed a lil. If I were with another group of friends, I would have certainly joined in the crowd of the foreigners, who were dancing away. Some even jiggled shamelessly despite the overbearing bellies. But it was a good source of entertainment though! The shy Singaporeans, thats us, just clapped and watched as the rest swayed till midnight.

2006-08-20T20:26:00.001+08:00

"My aim is to understand love. I know how alive I felt when I was in love, and that everything I have now, however interesting it seem, doesn't really excite me.

Although that is my aim, and although I suffer to think of thepoeple to whome I gave my heart to , I see that those who touched my heart failed to arouse my body, and that those who aroused my body failed to touch my heart."

Paul Coelho, Eleven Minutes

So true...

2006-08-20T02:47:00.000+08:00

Am I so bothered?

It was as if I was reliving my past when you went off like that. Hurts like fuck! I was waiting for an answer and you were gone without a care. Your jealousy disgusts me a whole lot. We are not even together and this is what I get... Forget the idea of having me as your gf, your wife, your bitch. Grow up pls!

Men are such an assholes. One minute they will be sticking to the girl like a glue and the next they are gone, acting like a jerk. No reasons, no nothing. As they wish, as they like, aimlessly. As older they get, the more childish it seems they become. A woman has to serve a man like she is his slave... fulfilling his needs, his desires, his lusts. So love just turns into slavery. Why should I love you then? I never loved anyone for the past 3 months, never spoke of it and will not utter any "I love you" to anyone, anytime soon.

I loathe your character tobi. I can imagine my future with you, you would leave me stranded wihtout any guilt, just like the men in my past. And that is the difference between u and him.

From now, we'll just gonna have each other at hello and bye.

2006-08-17T20:18:00.000+08:00

What the eyes can't see, the heart will never feel...

Most people that I know of are skeptical about long-distance relationship. To them it is important to be able to feel, to see, to touch and also who knows... to taste him, the man she loves. But love happens anywhere, anytime, when you least expected it. Even if a couple is in the same place, hardly they will see and talk to each other. The element of being excited is the least when a couple are so used to each other. Doesn't that happens in a relationship or worse in a marriage? Things start to fizzle out as soon as it gets serious.

Being involved in a long-distance relationship also takes alot of effort, maybe even more, to make things happen and for it to be lasting. And if it lasts, it would be such a fulfilment and satisfaction that everything was worth risking. If it turns out to be the opposite, at least you won't feel so torn apart.

Far or near, as long as words and lil gestures that touches the soul first then the heart, will win me over. Even if he is merely a stranger...

2006-08-13T21:14:00.000+08:00

Nobody is quite happy when in search of their happiness...

On the other note, I seemed to be getting on with my dreams. I know I'll make my mark.

I will and I must!

2006-08-12T13:06:00.000+08:00

Today marks the last day of my examination for this semester. Although it wasn't a breeze going through it, I am confident I will do well in it. We'll see in six weeks time! For now its time to break loose!

Despite the last minute revision, two days before my exam, I was so engrossed in Paulo Coelho's Eleven Minutes. It is a story about a Brazillian girl, Maria, who was disappointed by love at a tender age of eleven and since then she was convinced that she'll never find true love. As she grows older, although seeing men, she still couldn't love a man beacuse she don't believe in love. Each phase of her life transformed her into the person she became. Although confused of why she had been that way, she let life chooses the path for her. Self-discovery and exploration in life, I would say.

Ironically, my life... me, what I'm going through reflects to the way Maria lived her life. But I hope, one day, that I am able to find someone whom I can love wholeheartedly and not divided. And that is not all about being physically together...its more deeper than that.

To some couple, spending time is about being in front of each other...which is a sad thing. For me, I am happy enough if the person is able to make me smile whenever I think of him. That is all that suffice, for now.

2006-08-01T20:17:00.000+08:00

Looks like I'm gonna have to revamp this page. Give it more colour, more lively!
Time to bury the past, start anew. He has moved on and why else should I be sad about?

So Trina, perhaps if you stop by my page, please create a new layout for me. WOuld love to have Kiera Knightley in it. ;)

Towards my happiness... Cheers!

2006-06-23T20:47:00.000+08:00

Hi everyone...hope there is still some souls stopping by my page to get to know how I'm doing. I'm never here to gain any sympathy and I never like pouring out my heart about things that frustrated me, to a medium that won't talk back to me.

Till today, I'm still trying to accept the changes in life without him. With him, I was lonely but without him at all, I feel so lost. Perhaps I just need a lil more time to get used to it. Now that he is doing well being single, I'm struggling to forget him. Its an irony that nowadays, I think of the good times we had. From the day we first met, how we first met and where we met. Single details like that actually made me weep.

On another hand, my social life still continues. A promise to myself, I will not to trip and fall to the game of love and get involve in relationship for a long time...

2006-06-14T21:01:00.000+08:00

Love is Gone

Who says making decision is easy? And to live with the consequences after so many test and trials? I am having a hard time despite showing a brave front to everybody that I can be happier without Mr R. He is no doubt the one man I have loved wholeheartedly at one point in my life. I broke not only only his heart but the people close to us, his parents, my parents and my grandparents.

3 years and 2 months was the length of time we had each other. There were happy times of course but more rough patches that seem to have no endings and resolution to it. Even now that we are no longer together, I do wish he is there for me right now or chase me to be his girlfriend again. But he is more accepting to the decision that was made and there will be no more turning back.

Too many things to write..I guess I'll continue later.

2006-05-07T20:41:00.000+08:00

I've been isolating myself from the virtual world for sometime now. Filling up my time being with people.

I havent been in touch with R-man for a while now. It seems only a few weeks without any contact at all but it feels like a long time. But there was once he fetched me from work and we didn' talk much. I felt strange walking with someone you were once close with but you had nothing to talk to each other. Perhaps it was good that way...to think its really beginning to feel completely out of love. There were days I don't feel like doin anything or go to work at all and just ponder what will happen without him in my life.

Well stop the whining now already. I'm in such a bad state anyway.

Looking at the bright side, I'm beginning my course soon. Very soon... two days from now. So there..something to keep me busy.

2006-04-16T23:14:00.000+08:00

After days of being miserable, I realized I have been stuffing myself alot. With food! Anything that i can lay my hands on..chocolates, burgers, ice-cream, milk... all those dun settle down my body but ....

CHEEKS

BEFORE
AFTER

Beg to differ? I dun think so. Two has agreed so far! ;)

Silence is the Virtue of Fools

2006-04-15T14:28:00.000+08:00

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

Marthin Luther King Jr

2006-04-12T23:50:00.000+08:00

It has been 5 days to be exact. 5 days being isolated from him, 5 days of silence and 5 days of living again singlehood. Pretty rough ride i might say. Parents question of my whereabouts each time i go out. It was nvr like tht for past nearly 3 yrs. All of the sudden insecurities and suspicions of me getting attached to another quickly, surfaced.

I feel so vexed thinking about it. Sometimes the vulnerability makes me decide on harsh decisions. Yes..i do have thoughts of getting back. But the thought just quickly diverted to how its gonna be like to go back to square one. Life has been more empty than ever. Dating scene has not really changed much...it sucks cuz I've lost the hang of it. Most of the time i'm out with other ppl, my mind isnt really there.

I'm gonna be this mode for a while... lifeless & dead. If u caught me being chirpy, my old normal self, you ought to be treated to a sumptous meal. Until then...I shall look for peace.

2006-03-26T13:42:00.000+08:00

Lets recap the memorable things that took place weeks ago.

On Thursday, 16Mar06, R-man turned a year older. I brought him to Suki Sushi at Cineleisure. It was his first n second time for me trying some Jap stuffs. My personal opinion about Suki Sushi is that they do not have as much variety as those i saw at Sakae Sushi. Even the chawanmushi at the latter is much more nicer!

Thanks to Mus for giving me the Jap experience. I'm gonna spread the influence to my gal frens pulak!!! ;)

Saturday, 18Mar06, R-man invited me to his company Annual Dinner held at Swissotel. As I never been to any in the whole of my 21 years, I was so looking forward to the event. The theme was The Red Carpet. I guess we were supposed to dress glamourously and I think we did! Food was good, the waiter was errhemmmm VERY GOOD.. LOOKING! *chuckles* But no we did not win any lucky draw, in fact we missed by the third digit. Not our luck at all. Most importantly, we had fun and I have made two great girlfrens. It was a total satisfaction. I wish my Saturdays are as eventful as this!

The Entry Ticket!

The Freshness of Flowers on Table top

At 12 when it all ended, the six of us left for Cineleisure and caught Failure to Launch. Storyline more or less is like Love Actually. It was alright...sweet but bit draggy. By the time the show ended, everyone looked damn tired. My body certainly couldn't wait to get on to my bed and blanket!

Psst..for MORE click ME!

2006-03-25T13:07:00.000+08:00

I have discovered something of late right after my previous post. Not that Im a stalker or a follower to his profile. Well just say I am curious and too free, thats why! Also the fact I like him but not to the extent of love, you guys! Its getting sickening tho.

Thing is, the comment from the girl named Nat was deleted! Why??? I asked myself. And now I'm thinking probaby he is thinking I'm stalking him. Cum on... Stalking?? He must be out of his mind! Not my style at all. If he hadn't follow my entries, why did the comment got deleted off. Now poor Nat...she's crazy of him discreetly I'm sure! But guess he's treating every girl like his dirty laundry. You know... like you wear it clean, got stain.. you chucked it away! Hello!!! The most stinky bad-hearted jerk!

Its fine he does that to me (ya, go on and say "I deserve it!")... but to a likely number of girls too. One damn good heartbreaker, I would say! Now its time to go and say FUCK IT!

Peace...

2006-03-23T00:21:00.000+08:00

At this time of the night, I just want to have my well deserved sleep. But no! Im not getting it bcuz of .. A STUPID FLYING CREATURE in my room! I keep spraying it with my Bygone but still its not dead and hiding somewhere in the room. I wouldn't want to wake up with it dead on my face or anywhere on me. Freak out! And I'm still waiting for it to appear before me so I can just kill it and go to sleep.

Tonight I felt strange... like something is going on and its not something good. When you care for someone so much, you can almost feel them... I dunnoe sounds dramatic but it seems to be true. Like they say if someone misses you much, you have tht quesy feeling.

People...do you ever trust your intuition? Something so strong to just override it.
Went to J's profile and saw a comment from a girl called Nat, " Sorry for not coming today...XOXO" I had a feeling that he has someone around in his apartment today for some pleasure. Its just so typical of skanks. Humans cant just work so hard and have no reward for his desires and needs, don't they? and so I gave him a call, no answer. Nice, I thought. Fun. I just feel shitty about this as much I hate to admit. I feel shitty that I'm almost right about it but yet I couldn't accept that. This doubled to my sleepless night.

I feel this way because yes I do like him. I admire successful men. Men who take charge of his life. Men who knows what he wants and works for it. He is all that in my eyes. Thats J.

But I guess its time to do some reflection; who stays and who has to leave my life for good...I'm just so sick of these kind of lifestyle that sometimes I think its time to settle down.

But the right person, THE ONE, has not been found yet...sad to say.

2006-03-13T22:16:00.000+08:00

I had my virgin trip to Sakae Sushi on Sunday with Mus, my confidante. I did a couple of silly things which Mus found them cute! The plates were going round and he had taken something from it. And so I thought I could do the same for the can drinks. When I lifted it up and found that it was actually empty! Also now I know I can't really handle my chopsticks well... As I was so determined that I am capable of picking up the unagi into my mouth, the rice fell on the floor...disappointed. Not once but twice! I'm so looking forward to another Sushi session!

Today I had my hair dyed! I have always disliked this colour on me and never thought I would have it on my hair. VOila...! It is not that bad actually...
maybe it is still new to my eyes la but anyhow... I'm loving it. Opps and you know what colour i hate most on me???

BLACK... with red highlights

I stumble across this poem online...n find it sungguh menyedihkan. Men can be such a bastard. I have met plenty too.

One night, you made me a happy girl
just to dine with you and held u close
It was such a dream come true
my hands in yours, your legs between mine
It was the best I ever had for a while

Felt your heart raced
while i was in your embrace
Just one moment
i would relive it over and over again

Next minute, you were soundly asleep
Then I had mine with a smile on my face
When dawn broke, i couldn't believe
I had my eyes set on you...
Nice thoughts harbouring my mind
I was hopeful of u becoming mine...

It breaks, it hurts
You are here, I'm standing near
those silences, its deafening
Say something, hear me whining
You said I was presurrizing
All you ever do is nothing

I am torn, in fact shattered
Confused and invisibly bruised
What we had, was a just a moment..
that you would not remember
with who you were with
or how good it had been
it almost kill you..
Cus it was just a moment
A moment to sastify, your sexual hunger.

2006-03-12T12:58:00.000+08:00

Saturday was yet another outing with the girls! This time round, we had Nora and Fiza joining us. We settled for Ayam Penyet at Lucky Plaza for dinner. It was my first time there and the sambal belacan was damn spicy. It was not too bad for $5.50 a dish.

I didn't think I had much fun although the girls was in a very high spirit. I tried to laugh along with them but something just hold me back. And they knew it from my facial expression. I am ok but slightly affected by the thing that is happening and I'm hanging onto nothing.

Fiza just got attached and looked very pretty, chirpy and happy! Girls.. when they are in love, the radiance and glow is just so natural! And so I asked her... " So wat attracts you to your man? "

She replied, "because he plays the guitar...n I like it."

I went.. "Thats all?!" I don't mean to be sarcastic but hey that is not enough to make it work. Seriously. But its no harm trying too..just for the experience. Maybe I'm too matured to go crazy or fall in love for a man from such attraction.

I need a man who can communicate well with me and keep my interest in him. So that I won't stray and vice versa. I need a man with goals in life to reach and I will be the one going through it all with him, not alone but together. I need a man who can provide me well in life, so that I would not relive the days when my electricity got cut off and money is always the issue that hinders almost everything to be possible.

Its no longer a want but its a NEED, ESSENTIAL, NECESSITY.

We ended our date with Fondue at Haagen Daz... at last we got to savour it. Happy and the funny thing, we finished it within 10 minutes. Saw some eyes staring at us but wat the heck?!

From left, Tiqa, Fiza, Nora and Nurul

From left, Me, Fiza, Nora and Nurul

The Fondue

2006-03-11T02:01:00.000+08:00

It has been a while since the ring has been returned to me. Yes it is more lonely, more miserable and more complicated than you can imagine. But this is the path I chose to go through. To make me a better person, to realize that things are not to be taken for granted. Not being with him has made me more responsible of myself and the actions I take.

Everything seems so clear to me now...

All the while I had been hurting myself due to the mistakes he made such as not being able to be with me at times when I needed him most, not wanting to speak his mind out whenever we disagree with each other, pulling himself away from me when he should be holdin me tight instead. I punished him by going out with other people and getting involve in things I should not have at all.

Despite all that, he is a good bf...a husband material...and patient with me...
No guy would do the things he did for me;

1)sending me off to work right at the doorstep of my office. (most of my male collegues said, I'm too demandin) But i din ask him to...

2)A walk from haig rd take mrt to eunos and then bus to fetch me from work and send me home.

3)Stopping by during lunch after his night shift.

None of these were much appreciated.. (hate me now..)

By releasing him, my fear is not being able to find someone like him, almost as good/better than him.

But the memories stay in mind forever. 3 yrs together, it is naturally hard to just erase him out of my mind or push him out of my life. We are, undeniably, independent towards each other for emotional support.

2006-03-04T22:54:00.000+08:00

Saturday was pretty alright. Caught Wolf Creek at Marina Square, caught up with my bro and the gf, caught up with him... and him.

Have not been in the best of mood lately. Exhausted with things I guess. Trying to find the inner me. Searching within my soul. But in vain. He want his way and I want things go my way. Nothing ever work for us in the long run.

Photos don't even look good with us in it. Its depressing, detached, declining...
Faith and hope level has tremendously gone down. Just can't be bothered or dwell on things for long. Just so tired... leave me alone.

Despite everything and I mean EVERYTHING...I managed a smile for my precious Saturday.

2006-02-25T23:17:00.000+08:00

Quite a rough week it has been for me. As the project is goin live soon, consultants are getting quite short-tempered with client and venting anger at the innocent printers. People must have hated me a bit because of the fact that I control the papers to print. Imagine only deliverables were given fresh new sheet while non-supporting project documents, you will have to use one-sided paper. So that is work!

But Friday, I was a princess! Went to a fren's place for dinner near Buona Vista. Of all houses I have seen, his was the most coolest! It brought certain memories back to me as the design is similar to my granny old house at Queenstown. Only his was bigger. Another add on to my wish list. A house like his - tranquil ambience. Dinner was prepared and served by him, himself. He cheated a bit as his maid had helped him. Nevertheless it was great! Salad as the appetizer and Cheese rissoto with spicy steamed dory fillet. No pictures were taken, quite a waste! Perhaps next time! :)

Picture collage of J and Me:

Have a nice weeken, y'all!

2006-02-23T00:01:00.000+08:00

Need everything be told, be instructed, be planned by ME?
Coming to 3 years, I have known you. But why can't you read me?
What do I need and when to give in to me without even asking much why...

I'm not a great gf as well. I don't call you often, sms you much or say I love you with such a loving expression. I wish I could do it without any difficulty. But I'm beginning to question myself why I can't? It used to be so easy when we were just friends. Yet now.. many things have changed. You are not you and I'm not me either.
We have all grown up, we have all grown out of each other.

This is the fact. Face it with the courage thats left.

2006-02-17T21:56:00.000+08:00

Vday was nothing special. Most importantly I do not celebrate it. I told him not to get anything. I dun find any speciality as everyone is sharing that day with me. Too many and too crowded. Girls carrying flowers, guys putting hands on the girls' waist and cuddling. Awww... how sweet but kinda sore to the eyes! Hahaha I'm bein a playful sadist here.

But I received this...

Received a call from my sec mate, Ayu. A wife and mother of a 3 months daughter now. Nadia was very grouchy n easily irritated but not with me....yeah rite! You want proof???

Nah...!

Long John Silver in GV is the most famous meet up spot for the neighbouring secondary schools in Yishun. Like the good old days, we chat for a while.
Reminiscing the past and here we are in 2006...

2006-02-12T20:52:00.000+08:00

Saturday was spent well with the girls! We gathered after a long while and it was time to do it once again. From city hall to esplanade to clarke quay, we walked as long as feet can take us. I was late as usual. They got the msg later than the supposed time. Being angry, I actually had to give them a treat.
"Sorry girls, next time!" Hey but we did have something that we dun normally eat...

Presenting

It was also this girl's birthday! That only reminds me I'm goin to be oldER too..but young at heart always!

Dear Nurul, I still owe u a birthday gift! Da besar anak mak.. tak payah lah eh??? Hehehe!

Girls, we should do this more often la!

Picture of the week:

2006-02-12T14:30:00.000+08:00

Weekend is here but someone just happens to spoil it a lil...

He got his balls stucked in his ass! That or maybe he is simply a lame and pathetic coward.

I'm begginin to get tired of your game. Any girl in my place would not have waited this long to give you a piece of her mind! You are just insane and senseless with the way you care for your relationship with people! Inhuman careless bastard! You will die a lonely deprived man...sad isn't it?

Being nice isn't for you... You don't deserve any affection even a stray cat would! Yes I'm cursing you if you don't get it still.

I won't be the stupid girl who would waste everythin or give my all to you, not anymore. No point in continuing US if your goal and mine in is different.

So girls, don't be fooled by sweet talks and empty promises especially coming from an expat or better known as skanks. They'll ruin ya life bit by bit. All they want is dirty fun and only that. Nothing more so stop hoping fer more!

2006-02-07T21:56:00.000+08:00

Today I was feeling a lil touchy. Came across a poem that was read by Cameron Diaz in the movie, "In Her Shoes."

Goes very well for that particular someone who is distant away from you, not always by your side, nevertheless remains faithful in your heart. I told you I am sappy tonight! Don't say I didn't warn you! Heh..

So here it goes...

I carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

E E Cummings

2006-02-05T17:47:00.000+08:00

Saturday was spent goin around near Clark Quay. Not to the pubs or clubs that tempted me but just sight seeing. Goin out with his brother and sis was not that bad afterall. It was quite fun and enjoyable when you see the kids are really enjoying themselves.

The Chingay parade was still on. So we walk passed near the padang and there were many statues and huge figurines of the zodiac animals, rats, dragon, monkey etc...I was born in year of Rat and seems like its gonna be a more challengin yr for me in terms of everything; life, money,love except for the career field! I was a lil alarmed but reminded myself to just heed it with a pinch of salt. I do not want to believe it but Im already facing with some hurdles.

So wats up for today, Sunday?!

Brezzy. Cloudy. Hot chocolate. Blankets. Scented Candles. Him.

Purrfect for some quiet time in the room alone with some snuggle and cuddling with your loved ones...

Picture of the week:

2006-01-28T23:37:00.000+08:00

Its not because I lost my password to this site thus causing me to go on hiatus neither stop blogging. Many things have been goin around in my mind. I feel a strong urge to write. Writing is a form of art to me and art releases stress in me. Perfect thing to do just at this moment.

Work has been real mundane. I need a breather, thats definite. At least something new and interesting to keep me occupy and busy. A list of 'to-do in 2006' things lined up in my diary varies from being a studious to a more creative individual trying her hands in entrepeneurship. May it all come true...

Relationships with people are good although most of the time they put on their mask. They will say YES when actually they mean a NO. Hypocrisy, office politics...hate it all! People from the past are hardly forgotten no matter how hard I tried. It comes to a point that my mind spoke to me that there wasn't a friendship at all with him or maybe worse there wasn't such a person like what he claimed. All was just fake fantasy. Plain cruel. To make things easier to put that(him) behind, I proclaimed he is dead to me. Never to return. Obviously a great courage is required when the time has come for you to erase someone from your thought and put more focus in your present life and future.

You don't have to understand, netiher any of you who chance upon this blog for your daily readings. Laugh it off if u wish. Whatever that makes you happy, you have my best wishes.

Picture of the week:

2005-12-27T23:03:00.000+08:00

Gosh, I feel like I have been missing in action like forever. It is not that I have nothing to write but its more of keeping them to myself. Sometime you just need to take time off to search your soul and then when you have enough of it, gather some courage and come back to your senses.

Caught the premiere of Sweet Home Alabama on tv the other nite. I'm in love with that movie cuz I can relate so well to Reese Witherspoon in it. Materialistic, yes. Loves to bitch and pick a fight with my loved ones (Sometimes to the extent of even crossin the limits), yes. Soft hearted, yes! By the end of the movie, all I wish is that for me and him to end up like that even after all the bitterness with each other.

Yet someone chose to be gone...

The reality can sometimes be cruel but it is honest. It never lies. Fantasies are short term wishful thinking. That could possibly come true. But only with one hand in search for another to clap with, there will never be a sound.

2005-12-11T11:06:00.000+08:00

I really can't wait to get out of SIN. Yes, I'm desperate. Desperate to start my life anew. I've made some plans and hopefully all goes well. When the time comes, I hope you carry on your life without me. Don't pull me back into your life anymore. In the eyes of my own family members, you made me look like I'm always at fault. I know what I want in my life and you are not in the picture. So please!

2005-12-11T00:12:00.000+08:00

Perhaps Love

A beauitful musical love story about an amnesiac woman Sun Na, who left her lover in Beijing, actor Takeshi Kaneshiro, to become an actress. She then owes the achievement of her fame thru a movie director, Nie Wen, played by Jackie Cheung, who ultimately became her boyfriend.

A decade later, the two ex-lovers met again as they were chosen to act together directed by Nie Wen. Sun Na did not acknowledge Takeshi at all. To her there is no such thing as love. Love to her is only about loving oneself first before others. Nie Wen disappearance created an opportunity for them to rekindle their romance. And so it went well for them until they had to return to shoot the last scene. Scripts were change at the last minute as Nie Wen had found out about the affair.

Sun Na was torn between the past and present lover and life. Being headstrong about herself, who do you think she would choose?

It is a very unique story. It seems more like I was sitting through both a musical play and a movie. Beautiful i'd say.

2005-12-07T23:40:00.000+08:00

Few more weeks for us to embrace and welcome the new year.

This year has been very different. I'm going through what they call, a Self-Discovery phase. As scary as it has been to me, I did stuffs I never imagined I would do, stuffs that hurt me alot enough that might have just killed me. But I'm still standing tall and strong enough to live one day at a time. Its like a whole new experience where I got to learn and discover my own self. I feel as if there is another person living inside me and talking to my conscious self every now and then...Sound scary and dramatic to you? It sure is but that is what I'm going through.

There are times when I made mistakes and something just hit me that I really have changed. I myself could not believe it and would just cry hard and hating myself for a few days before it fades away. Lucky me I found some friends that i can count on, who are there when I'm lost in fantasy and bring me back to reality.

Looks like my fantasy is not appearing tonight. I have been waiting faithfully but does he even noe or care about it?

Frens said, "Save the effort n energy for someone more worthy of your love".

2005-12-03T02:29:00.000+08:00

I just cant sleep tonight...

Tobi broke the news to me that he is really leavin for good. Settling down over there, in down under. Had asked me about settlin down with him. And i raise a question abt a career, MY career. All he said was to work for him in bed...easy money. Am i gonna be his gf or sex slave??!

All of those didnt scare me that much or turn me off. But leaving the sesion with 'END of TRANSMISSION' is as good as walking out on me(literally) in anger in person! Sounds familiar??? Radin did that so often that I couldn't take it any longer n just decide to walk away from it too.

Seriously I am uncertain of Tobi's true feelings. What I hoped that he should make his feelings known and tell me where I stand in his life.

You can't expect me to do things as per your request. And if I dun, you'll get mad at me or threathen to leave me for good! I just can't stomach that kind of attitude. Its like history repeating itself. I'll never let it happen.

2005-11-27T23:54:00.000+08:00

tobi says:
remembered year end....
tobi says:
i'll be goin back...
tobi says:
maybe 4 gd maybe nt..
tobi says:
so tats the reason...
LeAraina says:
not like we have met
tobi says:
yeah..
LeAraina says:
there no strong feelings attached from u to me
tobi says:
but juz remember this...

tobi says:
anna, being with u online makes me smile..
every time we quarrel, i yearn 4 more attention..
for every word i type release my anxiety...
the time has come for me to see...
the light between us has no boundaries...
a picture...
speaks a thousand words...
for urs...
i can only mummified the moments...
coz u will be in me...in my heart
thanks....suhana

Of all the birthday wishes and gifts that I had, the above piece penned by Tobi tops it all. The last time someone ever wrote something like this was Rico, whom I was deeply attached to, back in 2002. But we didn't make it far due to family objections that lead to a change of heart(feelings). Anyway...

As far as Tobi is concerned, his existance in my life is not ordinary. It is special yet no one comprehends. Even we sometimes don't. Along the way in the special bonding, we gone thru alot of rigors. Sometimes we bickered with every bit of jealousy and realized we sound or acting up like a couple. We will be disgusted at ourselves for actingthat way and naturally(by laughing at it sometimes) make up after that. Its that feeling that makes me yearn more of him and his attention. Talking about tempers, I think he knows how bad I am at controlling my anger. And I know how sensitive he can get that I simply at times just dun bother to pacify instead start my sarcasm on him. Are these factors enough for us to be more than just friends?

Life is a mixture of love, lust and a bit of hatred. Thats how life is meant to be. And I've found a meaning to describe him...

Tobi = My Life = love + lust + a bit of hatred

A simple equation. The rest is for you to figure it out...

Dearest Tobi,
Life is full of possiblities, that I believe. Fate and destiny...is part of cupids game. Dun cling too much on it. I hope for us to continue with what we already have
achieved...and if you really meet someone that could make you happy and loved, I wish to be the first person to share your joy.

2005-11-27T23:40:00.000+08:00

Exactly 20more mins and I'm turning 21. A fresh new start for me. There's many wishes and wants. Of all, whats more important is my happiness and people around me. I guess that is more important than materials. BUT something angered me so much

Radin, in here I would say and in person I have said too, I cannot see myself happy with you. Nobody is perfect. There is no more space for blame and faults. I have done many mistakes but so do you, without realizing.

Like for so many other incidents, you just left my house in the fit of your own anger! My house is not your hotel. Meither am I your sleeping partner. Do what you deem fit for yourself and move on with your life. To think you could even do that this one day before my supposedly joyous day. Heartless!

Girls have more spending power irregardless whether she will have enough for herself by the end of the month. Girls will buy what she THINKS the guy would like to have and most often her guy liked what she has bought for him. It would just be nice for the guy to do the same...isn't it? What or where is the point of buying something that is not her to her liking? Being calculative just makes it worse! "...You promised me a roller blade...but where is it?.." My goodness. That was it. Look at yourself, Radin.

Since you are being calculative maybe I should too. Here we go! Whatever you are wearing today, all came from me. My hard earned money that I spent to suprise you on any normal day. Look at me. Do you see anything which was given by you? What a shame!

It has reached to a point where I can no longer tolerate men. All these lovey-dovey affectionate gestures are just so fake and pretentious. It doesnt last long.

I just hate today.

2005-11-25T00:10:00.000+08:00

Nothing really matters these days. Love is so overrated. Work has been so demanding.
Friends turn to be quite a bitch. Even me I am a bitch.

R-adin seems to be challenging me in many ways. All I could do is to ignore him whenever he gets on my nerves. Actually I dun like to ignore problems or matters. But being with him had taught me, ignorance is bliss.

R-ainbow. Rainbow ever said he wants to be with me. But his actions doesnt appear to be as what he said. I wished I could believe every single thing he hoped for us but I'm hard to be convinced. He is after all an expat. From my worst experience, I should have learnt my lesson well.

Ruined. All he said was "Trust me". I believed. In total despair.

2005-11-16T00:19:00.000+08:00

Just go home...I said

Ok. I'm off to meet my frens.then He replied.

Ok. I msged him back.

Alighted the train, din care to look back. Crushed. Disappointed. Walked like as if there were no cars on the road, like no people on the pavement.

The cause of it - a plunging neckline camisole!

Hey, helloooooo?! not like I was parading in it without a blazer or naked!!!

Wrong kind of girl you got for yourself I think?

2005-11-12T17:30:00.000+08:00

It was 8.30 when Dear woke me up for breakfast..Saturday is usually spent sleeping half the day and slack the rest of it. Nevertheless, dragged my two feets under the cold shower. Looks like gonna need a new heater now.

My sumptuous big breakfast. Even Mac Big Breakfast lose hands down. Its like a breakfast feast. Dear had chicken rice and me mutton briyana with chilli crab for BREAKFAST! The cleaner and some patrons passed by and made a face, quite shocked to see us, small sized people, eating large serving of food. We are quite capable of that sometimes. :D

If you don't belive, the pic reveals it all...

tu pun tak gemok2! Fed-up betul! Haiz..

2005-11-06T15:34:00.000+08:00

This year raya is quite quiet. A big difference compared to last years'. Like firstly, I shopped for my clothes with Trina. We settled for two black baju kurung with simple but sweet designs. I got to know Diana who had a corner at the bazaar. Fun companions. I nearly scare Trina about the contact lens issue. Luckily it didn't turn out like mine-as what my mum described, mata Pontianak Sundal Harum Malam.(title seems wrong!)In the end, I bought new lenses bcuz it was at a great offer; 3 pairs for $50! Normally i bought 2 pairs for $60! After all the shopping and setting aside money for the green packets, sheesh I am so broke! :D

The celebration was a bit laidback.I was looking forward to gather with my relatives. Somehow or rather the mood wasn't there.

Second day of raya, I was at work, finishing up whatever that were due. Collegues were shocked I was at work when I should be celebrating. On top of that, I had diarrhea...bad day fer me!

So there a brief update on whats been happening! Ending this entry with some snap shots of Raya!

Opps! Selamat Hari Raya to my fellow bloggers! Really looking forward to getting to meet you! ;)

2005-10-25T00:31:00.000+08:00

A thousand love songs
we used to sing down that lane
keep playin it on my player
over & over again
sang along with it
trying my best
to shut you out of my mind.

A lie that i didn't shed a tear
Hoping and wanting you back
but there's too much fear
of losing my real self
if I belong to you like before.

In my hand,
i hold our first photo
how pure our love was
a flaw was hardly seen
are you still the same
the same guy i fell in love with?

The long silence you left me with
stomping out off my house
whenever in a heat of anger
keeps re-enacting in my mind.

Your patience is my admiration
Your undying love for me
Is something every girl would wish for
But it kills me, making me hate you
Yet when you are gone,
a piece of u is still with me.

2005-10-16T13:39:00.000+08:00

Breaking fast at granny's place with relatives have becoming a weekend thing. Dinner was a spread. I was torn between my yong tau fu and my granny's sardine. She cooked for us even though she just got discharged from the hospital. Doctor said soon she may not be able to pass motion the normal way and even if shes able to, it would seem forceful and will result blood flowing out. Had to do operation but she refused. Most of us were against it for some reason. Everybody in the family is busy working and to take turns to care for her seems like a bit of a challenge. About the sardine she cooked, the plate was empty when I went for my second round!

Somebody just got the cheek to disappear and reappear saying he missed me. What do you take me for? I almost regarded you as a stranger. Dun expect nice treatment from me. Tried to be good, and dutiful as your other half before but you were blinded by your own ego. Spare me the emotional torture and I would love to spare yours too.

I was told by my aunties, that at this point of time, it is better not to commit to anyone especially for me, a true Saggitarian. I seek freedom with trust and it is the essence to something I call happiness.

It has been raining all day isn't it..?
Will the rainbow come out and brighten up my day?

2005-10-14T00:30:00.000+08:00

Another late night...

Wasn't feeling too good this morning. Had to skip work. Someone please spank me for being lazy to work now!

Today's iftar, spent so much on food. To make mum happy. Feed her well and I'm happy too. But seriously i think i spend much more on food than on clothes. So much of eating to live. Its the other way around for me. Heehee...but even so, i can never get a lil fat! Am i blessed or wat?!

Tonight's appointment was cancelled! And had no other things planned. Bored to tears...

Well, i was pondering... how long will a rainbow last? Will it just disappear as soon as it appears before me?

Finally Friday is here! Gonna get thru today and enjoy my weekend!

And to you, although I dun get to hear from you often, I miss you...
Love me with trust.

2005-10-09T01:03:00.000+08:00

How often does one get to see a rainbow? Once in a blue moon? And do you know i get all bouncy and happy, feeling like i'm on top of the world whenever I get to see one?! It is something special you won't get everyday. I do believe absence makes the heart grows fonder, don't ya?

Today was special. Today I was greeted in the morning by a rainbow. Not the one in the blue sky, unfortunately. But it is that everything I feel for a rainbow. I'm doing fine and I'm taking good care of myself...

Gathered for dinner with grandparents. Grandma's health not getting better. Sometimes I wonder how many more Hari Raya will we be able to spend it with her? What happens to the relationship between my auntie and uncles when she is gone? Will we stay this close and united with one another? I'm kinda sad and happy at the same time... such a baby aren't i?

Happiness is not such a difficult thing to have or to feel. I hate it so much when love or happiness is being exchanged for money. Love is not a bank transaction. Love for siblings, parents or gfs/bfs. If one day, it has to end, it should end the way it began... i.e in a manner that won't hurt each other further. You don't owe your other half anything when you just got to know each other, do you?

Now the adults are saying that young couples are always going for a fast alternative and solutions if things don't work for them. My thinking is that why should we spend so much time thinking or trying about something that is meaningless to go further? At least we are able to accept the fact and move on and that is the reality. Rather than trying so hard to save something that you, yourself, are not sure where its heading.

Just don't put the blame blindly on us just because we are too young to have a mind of our own!

2005-10-04T09:05:00.000+08:00

Taking The Plunge

You should only marry someone you really truly love, someone who lifts you up, someone who doesn't weigh you down emotionally nor spiritually, someone who brings out the best in you, someone who doesn't make you feel like you're walking on a tightrope over an abyss.

Busy as a Bee

Responsibilities at work is getting bigger and heavier but I am still coping it... well I believe. The most irritating attitude is that when they see me busy yet they still ask me things like where r the coffee packets and telling me to replenish the stock. I'm just one person managing close to 100 consultants! I think I have to start making my own rules. Be a little stern and maybe they won't step all over me.

Losing the Voice

Went to K-Box with the girls, Iqa and Nurul. Sang for 3 hours. But I feel that there is much better place for karaok-ing. Songs were quite limited and it was arranged by the title not singer. Anyway, I think we were more of shouting than singing. Most of the song were so dangdut habis! Not my cup of tea but sure had fun!

Thanks babe for the treat!

2005-09-18T13:00:00.000+08:00

Sure it had been one hell of a roller-coaster ride for me and him. Whatever happened, there must have been a blessings in disguise, somewhere, somehow. No I am not trying to comfort myself. Things are more calm right now. Met his family last night after months of not visiting. Besides of the lecture I got from them, i know that they care and would like to see us happy together, esp my future sis-in-law.

What really had happened, I guess I was trying to find the kind of attention and love that he used to give me before we got engaged. And I did meet some people. They are just a passerby in my life, my bus stop, my one night stand, my fling...whatever you call it. I was only out with them for fun to fill the emptiness inside. But there was only one person that I would say manage to capture me. This man who is capable of making me do anything for him. He is Tobi. It is strange how he had turned his feelings for me to hatred just because of these words 'FUCK OFF' from my fiance. I just think its absurd, the utmost ridiculous reaction to take if one considers the other as a friend at least. Till this day, I cannot bear to delete his smses which I know I should not give a damn about it and just delete them. It irrates me that I can't, all the more when I know he is not so into me anymore. But one day, I might just...

Thats the history, the past, the memories.

It must have been a challenge for fiance. I feel bad, awful and unworthy. Because after all these, he still loves me as ever. For a girl who doesnt stick to one and ever being labelled as a playgirl, its hard to change her ways for a man. But I'm gonna TRY to change myself for the better, for him, for us. But remember dear...I can't change overnight or in a wink. Love you...

2005-09-11T16:49:00.000+08:00

Today I attended Trina's sis wedding. Its been a very long time, say years since I met her in person. :D Hope we could go out together with other bloggers sumtime soon!

Saw my ex durin the event. Sway betul... but i just regard him transparent. So now we are so called related but distant.

I love weddings and since I'm engaged, ppl have been askin whether I have made any preparations. My usual response, "masa jauh lagi." But in my heart, Im not even sure if it will take place and with the same guy I'm engaged to. Orang kate...tunang ngan laki lain, kahwin ngan orng lain.

Someday, I will come to know the truth and plans that HE(God) is hidding from me.

2005-09-09T23:04:00.000+08:00

I'm beginning to hate him. More of his attitude and guts actually. I'm not asking to be pacified like a baby. But if he thinks he is old and mature enough he should know the way to a woman's heart, especially mine. Damn. Must everything be said and instructed all the time? The more I think of it the more my heart aches in disbelieve...how things change within time. Scary, I thought.

I have been thinking a lot lately that I get breakouts!
Its very rare for me to be all loving with him. (things start to tone done a bit after a year of relationship.)

But sometimes when I try to be more fun-loving, his response doesn't turn me on at all.

When I'm all mushy with him, he tried to talk serious with me. Where has the chemistry gone now?
We used to hug all the time in train, dun even care of eyes starin in our direction
But now its only this pair of hands that wrap ur body and give you warmth.
and the patient guy I once knew is gone now. Never done anythin to make the situation better only aggravate it

Is this the price I have to pay for my mistakes?
Cuz I will never...

2005-08-14T15:00:00.000+08:00

To whom it concerns

I can swallow that bitter pill and still smile
Isn't that what I have been doin throughout our friendship?
Cuz I have given you almost everythin
but my returns from you are nothing
Not that I expect but thats the least you could do.
Is it fair? You tell me.

For just two words, tahts not even from me, you took rather a BIG step
Since you made the decision, keep it that way.
If you are happy, I will try to be happy for you.
And, no Im not goin to block you or delete you whatsoever.
But sorry if i had caused you so many other nuisance acts
With due respect, it was unintentional

Till then, I'm signing off this damn blog!

2005-08-12T21:55:00.000+08:00

Getting a cold shoulder from a friend out of sudden is something I really dislike. It makes me wonder what wrong have I done.Most of the times, I would apologize without knowing what mistake I have made. Its better to be told off in the face rather than being ignored for no reason. Because I would do just that. I rather be honest and blunt with my words than just avoiding or simply pretending things are alright.

Everywhere I blog-hopped, most of us seem to be complaining about our lives, our woes.And only a few would really disclose about their unhappiness in the blogging world. Sometimes, it makes me think "Hmmm, I wanna have a life like hers!" or "Is she really happy? Or just putting a fake front so that people would be envious of her."

My happiness is actually with someone who has difficulty in trusting me and loving me the way I want to be loved. Despite of the ups and downs, its amazing sometimes that we are still together. But together in love? That is something we badly need to work it out before it crumbles.

2005-08-11T22:59:00.000+08:00

Nearly two weeks ago, I was floatin in the air and was on cloud nine. It felt so wonderful I was secretly hoping it should not end. When was the last time I remembered being asked out, like a date? Two years ago I'd say. We did the most normal things a bf gf did. I was losing my mind and heart to him who made me feel all worthy and special to risk his own relatipnship. It was a fantasy that I want it to last. But somehow Reality pulls me back onto the ground. The clouds became dark and the hope became smaller and smaller, then the rain came...waiting for a new day to come.

As bad as this sounds, I had a special relationship with someone who used to be from the same work place. Yep, I had an affair, with someone who has a girlfriend and loves her. We both cheated on our partners. But we are quits, I guess. I didn't have to write this down and make shame for myself but I just feel that I owed my fiancee an apology for being unfaithful. I was vulnerable at that point. I just needed an understanding from him that I do not like to be put on a trial and being intererogated everytime he asks me questions.

Relationship are very hard to maintain. Couples must learn to keep the passion alive in order for it to work out. Don't even mention about marriage if the relationship now itself is not as what you expect it to be. Have fun, lotsa of it! Meanwhile, do keep your trust in your love ones. Theres no love without trust.

2005-08-11T17:20:00.000+08:00

Waking up and goin to work in a bad mood is surely a frustrating way to start off your day. I remembered I put my bracelet by his bed before I slept only to find it out of sight in the morning. I wouldn't have mind if I had at least a watch on my wrist. So from there, strings of things got me irritated. And I hate it when I'm all prwetty and smell nice, someone has to blow the ciggaretes smoke in my direction! URGH!

2005-08-05T17:23:00.000+08:00

Dedicated to the man I loved

Just Want You To Know
Looking at your picture from when we first met
You gave me a smile that I could never forget
And nothing I could do could protect me from you that night
Wrapped around your finger
Always in my mind
The days they went cause we stayed up all night
Yeah, you and I were everything, everything to me

I just want you to know that I’ve been fighting to let you go
Some days I’ll make it through, and then there’s nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there’s a day you’ll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again, just want you to know

All the doors are closing
I’m trying to move my head
And deep inside I wish it was me instead
My dreams are empty from the day
The day you slipped away

And I just want you to know that I’ve been fighting to let you go
Some days I’ll make it through, and then there’s nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there’s a day you’ll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again, just want you to know

That since I lost you, I lost myself
I know I can’t fake it, there’s no one else

2005-08-04T15:41:00.000+08:00

I stole a chance to escape from my desk. I am so damn sleepy that tonight I'll go straight home and sleep early. But plans will change when its nearing 5pm.

The other day I went to a hotel near the Clarke Quay. Never in my whole life of 20 yrs, I've been there. Yes, Clarke Quay. Nice place to chill I thought. Yeah yeah, I haven't seen much of the world and life yet.

Opps, been hiding here for a while better go now!

2005-08-03T00:08:00.000+08:00

He doesnt dare to call me up on the phone least even meet.
What can the reasons be?
Is he worth leaving everything for?
After all that have been shared, never he gave in to my request.
Crushed.

I'm goin away for a while. Maybe I'll come back maybe gone for good.
Same goes to MSN too. will still be in touch with all the darlings and dears.
Others, do take care.

To dear:
I want you to be happy without being affected with the things I do and the people I get involve with. Constant suspicious and mistrust is leadin me to depression. I cried not because of the lost ring but the change in our feelings and behaviours turning me away from bein in a marriage. Scared Undecided. Commitment-phobic.

2005-07-27T00:30:00.000+08:00

I was browsing through the Manja Magazine for July issue and I saw the advertisement for the Pasangan Ideal (Ideal Couple) 2005. I was so excited to tell dear about it on joining the contest. There are some regulations of which I will have to be married by the next 18 months. Well I don't qualify for that anyway. But somethin else struck my mind...

1) Tho engagement is for 3 yrs, most read MOST of the time I do not think it will happen.

2) Relatives asks regarding preparation, I'm not excited at all about it.

3) He does the saving while ME, I simply procastinate about it.

Strange... but wouldn't you be happy, excited, add a little weight, if you will be getting married to your boyfriend? Yet I'm not... is he THE ONE... or is there someone out there that suits better. In case you get me wrong, I'm just being selective in choosing my life partner.

2005-07-24T17:45:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling troubled right now.

We used to be so close when we were kids till we grew up into young adults. But as years passed, countless of boys we've dumped and picked, no of subjects we passed or failed, who has better grades etc. I have this uneasy feeling that from close sisters we r more like each others rivals/competitors in life. We compete on almost everything, studies, career, money etc even if they are UNSPOKEN. I feel the challenge. Haven't any of you been in this situation at all? At the end of the day, I'm not sure why and what are we trying to prove to each other.

We used to be ambitious in life. Thankfully I still am about mine. Although I know I can't have things flow in my direction always but I try. Whereas she, her fire seems to die off right after she met 'The Guy'...its too early. Too early to be submissive to almost everything. When you are accustomed to settle for less, somehow you wouldn't dream big. Anythin that you have would suffice.

I can't direct everybody's life. So maybe I shud just mind my own business then.

2005-07-21T22:10:00.000+08:00

Eat-Play-Sleep-Machine.

Hi Guys! I'm back! All I can say it was fun but only Mr Radin had joined me too it would be double the fun! Not quite sure if I have turned darker or plummer after the stay in Redang! The experience was refreshing! Breakfast, lunch and dinner never failed to make me happy and then sleepy after that! I even joked that perhaps the chef had spike some sleeping drugs in his dishes! Sedappppppppp, Bessssst tak pegi rugi!!! for only 300 sing dollars, thats was a great deal!

Ok theres alot more to story. Yes, i did went under the sea... Photos will be up in a few days time.

Back to work tomorrow! ;D

2005-07-15T12:20:00.000+08:00

Even tho today was on leave, it was spent meaningfully except for some part which I do not want to explain here. Accompanied my cuzz, Iqa for her job interview at a law firm and she got it finally. Happy for her even tho the pay wasn't to her expectations. But its better to earn sumthin than nothing. We have to make a budget for daily expenses to complain less about not having enough $$$.

In evening I was wandering around until I met Iqa's sis. What a coincidence. She is nine months pregnant and waiting for the arrival of her babe. Can't wait to be the auntie of your lil babe which I can imagine will be as cute as the mom.

Saturday, 7 am will be leaving for Redang. Till Thursday evening. Wow...what a long trip. Thats wat he said. And of course, as they always say, absence makes the heart grows fonder.

Was trying out this software. Good but the collage part we can't arrange the pics in the way we want.

2005-07-14T00:25:00.000+08:00

Today's lunch was from BK. Fulifilled my cravings for it. Work load is piling up. But I'm coping well I guess, nah I am sure about it. After work, caught up with H. Went to town, to just see see wats there and chill. Goin out with him is not boring. He knows how to make me laugh! Good company I shall say. Our friendship might has brought some attention at work but we are purely friends. I don't eat and shit at the same place, if you get what I mean.

BayBeats...hmm, I shall see about that... ;)

2005-07-12T23:40:00.000+08:00

Imagine that you were goin to lose your memory...the laughters, the cries, the image of people you love, wife/husband/bf/gf, family and friends, the simplest things in life will fade away without you knowing it. The only thing left is your soul. But what use is a soul without a memory... Good or bad events in your life, that will become part of your memory.

If you are wondering why I wasn't actively chatting tonight was because I was glued to this Korean movie, A Moment to Remember. I simply love it and you will too. Just so touching! I caught it before few months back and knowing how much I loved it, dear bought me the VCD as a suprise. *Sweet*

Appararently today, my mind seemed to be somewhere or maybe I'm not feeling good. I lost things, my pants was loose today I even got a belt, contemplating which things to do first at work and got off at the wrong mrt station on my way home. After the strings of carelessness, I needed a break and just hide myself in the room and be alone for a while. Nope, I'm not losing my mind, am I? Too tired I guess. And getting hungry easily is really not helpful especially if you are stuck working at the location where I'm workin. Man! it just sucks not having your own transport.

Somewhere in my mind... I've forgotten to call him...

2005-07-10T23:28:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, was the most horrible day of my life. If only I could turn back the hands of time, I wouldnt wanna do what I did. It hurts him, it hurts me more. I'm feeling a pang of guilt. Somehow I can't forgive myself. I'm hating myself for what happened. It was harsh, yes, but all I can say is I am sorry it went that far.

When you are angry sometimes its better to run and hide than say hurtful words or do certain things that you will regret later.

After all that have happened, one thing I realized how much he loves me. Despite every mistake, every heartache I caused him, somehow I do feel touched when he says let it pass.

I'm missing it but he will reply that it was resting on a grass patch waiting to be found. I don't think anybody can fit into it unless that person is as slim as me. His words were comforting but I know it was hard for him to just say it so easily without feeling a pinch of sadness. He was the buyer but I was the owner. I was more attached to it than him.

And in case you guys are wondering what is it...I'll tell you...

MY ENGAGEMENT RING.

2005-07-07T21:54:00.000+08:00

No more of +888888 beeping on my handphone. No more of the very simple and brief name consisting of only 4 letter alphabets going online. It used to bring me an instant smile - happiness. But I'm just wondering why things are not the same. I'm analyzing too much. I only need an answer.

My night was spent well with a friend. We didn't plan. We met halfway when we were both actually on our way home. For me, I decided to wander around. Haven't been to Marina Square for a long while and the place has extremely changed! We actually got lost trying to figure where we were standing, imagining it was the old building. Someone asked for direction, he felt like as if he was a security guard. Quite fun yeah... if only you were not in uniform and tired from work, I guess I would have stayed out longer.

For some people who accused me of going out with guys without telling him when the fact is I don't, isn't this what you really wished from me? Ain't spiting you but things will happen if you keep mistrusting me.

2005-07-04T23:30:00.000+08:00

Just finished watching Desperate Housewives. There's always something to ponder after watching it. Today was about saying goodbye. Goodbye to those who take one for granted and taking the decision when to drop everything.

Speaking of which, I was reading some excerpts from a book called "He's not so into you." Below are some of what was written...

He says:

Oh sure, they say they're busy. They say that they didn't have even a moment in their insanely busy day to pick up the phone. It was just that crazy. All lies. With the advent of cell phones and speed dialing, it is almost impossible not to call you. Sometimes I call people from my pants pocket when I don't even mean to. If I were into you, you would be the bright spot in my horribly busy day. Which would be a day that I would never be too busy to call you.

I believe there are some truth in those statements. So when is it do you just walk away and leave everything behind for good? After much thinking... this is what that came to me as an advice.

Hey xxx,

I'm a dude. If I like you, I kiss you. And then I think about what you look like in and out of your underwear. I'm a guy. That's how it works. No ifs, no ands, and clearly no buts. Is he scared? Yes, he's scared of hurting your feelings. That's why he hasn't clarified the relationship. He may even be biding his time hoping he will develop deeper feelings for you. When this dude tells you he loves you and that he hopes you never lose touch again, he may as well be signing your yearbook. He loves you as a friend. If he were in love with you, he wouldn't be able to help himself from getting involved in a romantic relationship regardless of his fear or past experiences. I say, move on! Go meet someone more worthy of your affections and hot salsa moves.

*Gulp* Hmmm, a book may educate you but experiences are what that teach you to be wise and not naive. I would say I couldn't agree more with the advice.

Conclusion: Spare no more thoughts in the mind or space in the heart. Move on.

The Stranger

2005-07-03T23:59:00.000+08:00

For the past few years of my life, I've never really been with someone for too long. For some reasons that I can think of why it failed, it was becuase I get bored with a person easily or he did something wrong that slowly increase my doubts of whether he could rise to my expectations. Some left me while some I ended it. Why i brought this up was because it came to my mind that the poeple I truly love will always choose to leave and i did that to those who truly cares for me. And it is especially difficult to let go of tht someone u love very much go...it certainly takes time.

But there is this someone who has helped me alot indirectly... from him I gain my strength to get over unhappy things easily. Due to him, I have learnt to let go.

Thanks stranger.

2005-06-30T00:43:00.000+08:00

How could he just pushed me to 'him' saying i'm better off with 'him' whenever he feels like it? Didn't I say before I am demanding? Never demanded anything. Even if i did, he always failed to do it and its sumthing that couldnt be bought with money. Has he forgotten about that? And he calls me 'woman' and he wateva me to my questions, blaming me Im not in the right frame of mine due to my period. An ugly side of him I wished I never had to see or know. I almost couldnt swallow the things he said. It hurts deep if it comes from someone, a friend u care n love. Even if its a friendship, a friend wouldnt hurt this much to one another.

Havent I always given in to you...
For all thats worth,
this is how you are repaying me...
You have succeed
for causing the pain u put me through today
All the love showered on you,
meant as lil as nothin
come and go as you wish
all your promises emptied
I'm broken and in despair

Thanks for you are making me a better person.

2005-06-19T00:39:00.000+08:00

I'm resting my case here. for now...